Saturday, January 13, 2007

I Don't Want to Grow Up

I am in dire financial straits. Or rather, my whole family is--most of "my" money is really my parents' still.

And we don't have enough for my school this semester.

My mom handles our finances. Usually she's way better with money than the rest of us...but she's been struggling with depression for a while now, and she's tried to hide how bad it is from everyone, and she let our finances slide...and now she's really depressed because she feels like she's failed us, especially me. And I mean, she has...but it's not like we love her any less. She's a great mom, it's just her brain chemistry is getting the best of her.

Apparently, depression runs in her side of the family. I'll bet my grandmother has some sort of mental problems along that line--she's at least got some anxiety disorder or other--and my mom is clinically depressed, and I've struggled with the same on and off since I was about thirteen. Ah, the joys of adolescence, right? One thing that's really keeping me from being just pissed at my mom for this is knowing what it's like.

My friend Thyme is telling me to "have faith" that everything will work out. I know that a lot of people think I'm rather stupid for my beliefs--the whole Christianity bit isn't really popular where I live, I mean even a simple belief in a higher power will occasionally draw a sneer--but I don't think God has ever let me down. He (I wish there was a less gendered pronoun for a being who goes so far beyong male and female...) has gotten me through the darkest times in my life. I wouldn't be here without I can't help but believe he'll get me through this.

Gee, that sounds cheesy. But it's true, and I'm tired and, yes, worried, and I can't think of a better way to put it right now.

I guess that's all I have to say.

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