Showing posts with label hallowed halls of higher education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hallowed halls of higher education. Show all posts

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Highschool English

Books I remember reading in highschool and liking:

Their Eyes Were Watching God (my first AP English teacher was in love with this one)
Wuthering Heights (But the ending sucked. I recently got an oddly romantic email about it from an old highschool friend. Go figure.)
parts of Canterbury Tales (I'm descended from Chaucer's sister-in-law Katherine Swynford)
The Killer Angels (actually this was eighth grade, I'm cheating)
The Great Gatsby (the high point of ninth grade english)

Books I read in highschool and hated:

Heart of Darkness (BLECH. It was a good teaching tool, being dense and short, but BLECH)
The Yellow Wallpaper (short story, not a book, but still, I detested it)
Lord of the Flies (Really now. Blech.)
Crime and Punishment (boring, nasty, long, and the epilogue doesn't make a lick of sense in context)

I'm not sure if I had to read Huckleberry Finn until college, actually? But I'm oddly indifferent to it.

I really thought I could remember more. Apparently, most of what we read was forgettable dreck? At least I was never made to read Ayn Rand.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Sooooo...

I decided upon graduating to take a year off of school.

That year is up.

Now what?

Man, a BA in Literature gets you nothing.

Anybody have any ideas on how to become an editor?

Anybody have any advice on getting really awesome recommendation letters for gradschool?

Anybody know if you can put a key back on a keyboard when even the little squishy doohickey underneath is gone? My quotation mark key popped off...more than a year ago and I'm sick of it. I managed to write a thesis without it, too.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

How do you start?

I just got into an argument with a few white male friends who insisted that American white men are discriminated against, other forms of discrimination have nearly faded out of existence, and "racism doesn't exist up North."

*facepalm*

At least one of them is genuinely a cool and understanding person. I think he's just burnt out on the atmosphere at this liberal arts college, where no matter what the class, the point is often that White Men Are Evil. If I had the emotional wherewithal to calmly discuss a few pertinent examples with him, I might be able to get somewhere. But I am an emotional person and I'm dissatisfied with my living situation and my body hates me and I'm underpaid and my dog is dying, and I just. Cannot. Do it.

So, Irrational Female I remain.

The other guy? Is a know-it-all engineering major. The numbers of disciplines in which he thinks he is an expert and is Most Emphatically not are ridiculously numerous, and no matter what the argument he seems to end it with "whatever, we're not going to agree anyway," with an undertone of "I'm right and you're wrong, no matter what you say." To which tonight, I had so say, "You're right, we're not going to," and refrain from saying "because you're never going to listen to a word I say." He's the one who said "racism doesn't exist Up North." By Up North he meant, mostly, Boston. Any minority Bostonians want to disagree? I'm sure you're out there somewhere. Not that he'll listen.

And my beloved Wulfy had to take me home and comfort me, after being astonished at the ire I showed in this argument. And, because I am a white female and this is what I know, the conversation turned toward "women's issues." Why am I a minority anyway? My "minority" comprises 51% of the population, I say. My "minority" also makes less on average than your "majority," for the same work, of the same quality, over the same time. A female coworker of mine was flat-out told by our manager that she doesn't make as much money as a man who works with us, despite doing the same work and having more experience, because "it's a man's world, honey." And here's how I really flabbergasted him:

"Can you tell me when the last time you were really scared you were going to be raped? Because I can."

My car wouldn't start and I was near my workplace, and after catching a ride over I got a male coworker who used to work as a mechanic to take me back to my car and get it to start. And I was scared shitless to get into his car, but I need my car and I knew he could fix it and I was afraid to piss him off if I told him I didn't want to ride with him after he'd gotten our manager to give him permission to leave work, and I knew for sure he could fix my car, for free, and in a far shorter time that waiting an hour in freezing weather for a AAA person who was a totally unknown quantity. And I had to weigh that against the fact that he's over six feet tall to my 5'3", and weighs nearly twice as much as I do, and I know he can lift me a foot off the ground at arm's length.

And my boyfriend had no clue that I was scared that night, that I would have reason to be scared. Because he has never faced that kind of fear.

And now I am so far away from that original argument that I don't know what to think. I'm just a mess of these stupid emotions and I've cried too many times today.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Why hello there, come here often?

...No, actually.

I just graduated college--only not really, because I'm going to eventually go to grad school so I'm not graduated in the sense of "omg I'm DONE, WOOOO," and because the ceremony got snowed out. 10+ inches of snow in this part of this state is, while not by any means unheard of, still brings everything to a grinding halt. Except people wanting eye exams, apparently, as my-brother-the-doctor still performed a fair number of exams in the midst of a raging snowstorm. Without my help! Amazing.

The snow wasn't really that raging, it just. kept. coming. is all.

So now, being out of school for the time being, I have no clue what to do with myself. Hypothetically, actually write something funnish--blog more maybe, and start work on a cheesy romance novel. All my loose ends feel very untied right now.

Am thinking, this minute, of blogging every day; if not here, over at the other blog. Obsessed as I've been with interior design lately, it makes sense. Blog as daydream, as I'm not in a position to decorate anything--living with an aunt who has an apartment in the basement that's supposed to be mine, but actually in her guest bedroom (on a twin bed, which I vowed never to do again) because said apartment is filled with the detritus of many years of living in the same house. It is, after all, in the basement.

I feel guilty for feeling so dissatisfied with this situation. I have a job, a place to live, plenty to eat, a great boyfriend, a city I love, etc etc etc. But nothing feels right, right now.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Anxiety

I am stressed right now.

It's not because of school, per se, because my classes are going along more or less fine.  I'm just stressing myself out over grad school.

My parents want me to go into law, which would make money, but I don't know if I want to.  I would ideally like to teach English at a community college or higher, but there aren't a whole lot of jobs or money there.  Or, lately I've been thinking I'd like to get my masters in library science and be a librarian, at least for a while.  A few schools in the state offer a joint JD/MLS, so maybe that would be good?

So either I've been working on school, thinking about what to do after I graduate (likely this December) or distracting myself with fluffy bunnies and Shadow of the Colossus so I don't freak out too badly.

And this is why all my blogging, even my shiny new design blog, has fallen by the wayside.  *sigh*.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Filler post, woooo


I am taking a salsa dance class this semester.

If you don't think this counts as exercise, think again.  The way you have to move for that Latin rhythm is just...unnatural.

Ow my back.  Ow my thighs.


Picture to the right is Wulfy's sister and brother-in-law, not doing the salsa.  They're dancing a rumba, actually, but it's the same family of dance.  Imagine how strong she must be to hold that position.


Sunday, January 11, 2009

Is this thing on?

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

I started a goofy new blog about design, my latest relaxing time-waster:


Sometimes it's hard to write about things I want to write about here; so many other people have a better handle on current events etc, and my personal life is...well, it's personal.  I'm at a point where sharing my life is kind of difficult, for whatever reason.  But "hey, I really like this chair!" is not so personal, so there you have it.

More stuff will go here, I swear, when Winter Break is over and I have classes to write about.

Monday, November 10, 2008

In which the blogger exclaims, "Holy crapsticks! I haven't updated since JULY?"

Well, it's been a tough semester. I had to withdraw from my art class to deal with everything--I was doing really well in that class and I liked it, but it was too much of a time suck to work on art projects with a due date and write FIVE BAJILLION papers too.

Not that the FIVE BAJILLION papers were unexpected, mind you, I'm a senior Literature major taking 12 hours of nothing but Lit classes. And all my professors like to assign research papers within two days of each other.

BUT, I'm taking a Shakespeare class in which our big project is a group performance of a scene from a play, and my group is doing the witches from Macbeth. We're totally pwning the other groups too.

What else deserves mention...

Oh yeah, that whole election thing. Can I just say

WOOOOOO HELL YEAH!

Followed by Prop 8 passed? What a bummer.

And conclude with the anti-Obama people I am Facebook-friends with are racist, sexist, rude, illogical, and unreasonable. I may mention more on that later.

In fact, I probably have a lot more to mention later, but I need to go get some supper and write a paper on the differences in the treatment of women in Genesis and the Gospel of Mark.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

School

School has started up again for the year.

I went ahead and ordered my class ring--I will graduate in 09, dammit!

I'm looking at a difficult semester (no easy electives for me, in addition to four upper-level major classes, I have an introductory art class that's notoriously difficult and time-sucking) in which I need to do really well (have to have a grade boost to get into grad school), so wish me luck and don't be offended if I'm not around the blogs much.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Ballad of Jimmy



My freshman year, I took a Creative Writing class. At one point, we all, as a class, selected six words (some of which ended up being phrases) without knowing what we were going to use them for. It turned out our homework for that evening was to write a sestina with the words: (phrases):

Jesus H. Christ
shafted
Chuck Norris
wobble
mustard
Catholic Boy's School

Mine ended up being about a boy named Jimmy who got in trouble at St. John's Catholic Boy's School, because a priest who looked like Chuck Norris caught him saying "Jesus H. Christ." Oddly enough, another girl in the class wrote about the exact same thing. It wouldn't seem so odd, because there are probably a limited number of coherent stories that can be made up with a group of words like that, if she hadn't picked the name Jimmy for her protagonist.

And if we hadn't come to class on multiple occasions wearing the same outfit, and had not picked the same poem to read to the class when we started the Poetry unit and had to bring in a favorite poem (the poem was "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes)

Sunday, March 16, 2008

OMGWTFBBQ

I did something rather strange and certainly not exactly characteristic of my usual self yesterday.

It started when Wulfy and I rolled out of bed in the morning. He went back to his room to take a shower, I hung around mine checking email and stuff, waiting for him to come pick me up because we were supposed to eat breakfast at IHOP (we love us some IHOP. Cheese blintzes, mmmm). But he had a wedding to go to in about an hour, and an errand to run before then, so when I went out and met him he ended up circling campus and dropping me right back off because exactly why am I running this dumb errand with you instead of going back to bed when we don't have time to go to breakfast which is what we were supposed to do and I reminded you about ten times over last night and this morning and we've been wanting to go out for breakfast for about a week so how the hell did you forget?

So I stayed pretty pissed at him until about four in the afternoon, when he returned, and we waited until about five to finally go eat our IHOP because we might as well make it supper since you got back so damn late.

So I simmered and he kicked himself for about an hour, at which point I decided to try and be nice (which I actually rarely am, I am sullen and have a tendency to half-unconsciously, half-intentionally make him pay when he pisses me off, which he only usually does slightly anyway. I'm hard to live with.) and hopped up on the bed with him to tickle him and cheer him up and get him to stop looking pitiful and take me to IHOP.

I say, "Oh look at the poor pitiful Wulfy oooscha booscha wooscha wooooo *tickletickletickle* Oh come on cheer up."

He says, "But I hurt you."

I say "You're a silly bean. Do you want to take anyone else to IHOP with us?"

He says "I don't know, what do you want to do."

I say "You decide."

He says "But you're more important than me."

I say "Oh Wulfy, you know that's not--"

Wulfy, at this point, snaps because I've been a brat all day, and says very harshly some unpleasant and unpleasantly true things about the way I treat him and threatens to leave me.

I say "If that's how you feel, just leave."

He gets his big oh-shit-I-shouldn't-have-said-that-now-she's-gonna-hate-me eyes and says "I didn't mean it!" while attempting to hug on to me so I won't get up and make him leave.

I make him let go.

I sit and seethe for a while.

Then, without saying where I'm going, I put on a hoodzip and put my room keys in my pocket and leave.

It was pouring rain. I walked around campus for what I'm guessing was an hour or more, cellphone-less, considering a lot of things. I've been inexplicably unhappy lately, with myself, with school, with the job I have at home, with Wulfy, with what the hell do I really want to do with my life, with what the hell am I doing with my life now, with my suite-mates who are Loud Talkers, with my brother who is an asshole and my mom who is a little bit nuts and my dad who is not exactly the most sympathetic person in the world and the portion of my friends who never talk to me and the one girl who slandered me and with myself for not calling her on it and with my campus ministry for being politicky and obnoxious and my campus minister for having a large and thorny stick up his conservative-in-about-every-way-you-can-think-of-except-not-hating-
Harry-Potter ass and myself again for not being good enough for my almost annoyingly sweet and considerate boyfriend and sometimes wanting to break up with him for no good reason and for flirting too much with a cute coworker and just GAH WHAT THE FUCK TIME FOR A MELTDOWN.

So by this point I am fucking soaked and tired and my jeans are getting heavy because they're so wet and I'm wearing an old pair of Keds that are now squishy and my socks are wet so I've got two intense blisters on my Achilles tendons and ohmigod how long have I been gone what will Wulfy think I bet he'll hate me for making him worry I'm so mean to him god I am a horrible girlfriend and I just got mad at him over IHOP for god's sake wtf am I doing.

So I go back, and find my cell phone, which he has called three times and left a desperate choked-up message begging me to call him and tell me where I am because he's really worried and DAMN, I do not deserve to be with someone so wonderful but I'll be fucked if I let him go. So I call him and he's outside looking for me (oddly enough, he's where I was, but having checked other likely places first he's about an hour too late to find me there) so we figure out where we both are and meet halfish way (he runs, I limp in my squishy shoes so I meet him more like a quarter-way) and we have a cheesy-romance-movie crying hug in the rain, then go back to my room and cry some more and talk everything out and woooooo catharsis.

And THEN, we go to fucking IHOP.

Wow, the drama. The romance. The histrionics.

So I feel much much better now, though I'm thinking about forcefully dragging myself to therapy since as long as I'm a student here I get like ten free counseling sessions a semester. Well, sort of free, since it comes with tuition and all. I've got a big fat family history of depression and have had an episode or two before of just feeling like shit for weeks, so I feel like I need to be doing something to at least monitor that and try and check it before I end up being, well, my mom, who is only just getting some help now that she's going crazier now that she's older.

So yeah. The whole meltdown thing is in general not me but this time it worked out, even though I feel just the tiniest bit stupid about making this big scene. I was never really nuts as a teenager so perhaps I'm still getting the adolescent crazies out of my system. But for now, the air has been cleared and I'm feeling pretty groovy.

Hey Wulfy! I love youuuuuuuuu!


[Edit] After reading over the first bit, I seem to have made the Wulf look worse than he was with the snappage. This is something he does occasionally, usually as a weird injoke thing, but also occasionally because I really do drive him nuts sometimes. The criticisms were real, the threat to leave was not. It was also stingingly accurate, namely that I do often treat him as if I am more important than he is, but I was upset about it because I already had too much going on in my head. We have also lately not really talked about all this shit enough, and even the Wulf has his breaking point.

My point? He really isn't an asshole, even if the outburst seemed harsh.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I honestly don't know how to title this.

One of my professors (oddly enough, Doctor is in the Science Department but this is a liberal arts course at a liberal arts school so they get all sorts of professors to teach it) had an interesting story in class yesterday.

You see, Dr's a chemist and a biophysicist (and maybe an MD, I either don't know or can't remember) and like a lot of sciencey people, Dr. has worked with various aspects of the medical industry, researching, developing, etc. And at one point Dr. worked for A Big Pharmaceutical Company developing a new treatment for breast cancer (I'm not sure if it's okay to tell the name of the eeeevil evil company so for now, it's BPC. But it wouldn't be too hard to figure out which one. It's a BIG one, after all).

Dr. worked on this treatment system for I believe about five years, funded of course the whole time by BPC. It took at least a year for Dr. to simply study the body system he was working with so it could be figured out how to deal with it--it's complicated stuff. But complicated or not, at the end of five years, Dr. had a product that everyone felt confident in--wow, they said, this has potential. This could save lives! This could really work!

And Dr. took it to the team's bosses in the Big Pharmaceutical Company for the final presentation, which was attended by a gray-haired man Dr. had never seen before, and therefore was obviously important. And Dr. gave the presentation.

And the gray-haired man said "Dr, this is some great work. We're really impressed with this product, you are amazing. But you see, women with breast cancer have this habit of dying before selling a nice new product like this to them becomes cost-effective. So we're going to shelve this wonderful product, we might pull it back out later but we just don't think it would be good for the company to produce right now. But I'm looking forward to reading your final dissertation, thanks."

And Dr. walked out of that room and that was the last time Dr. worked for the Big Pharmaceutical Company. And BPC is getting the product patented but not putting it into production; and Dr. is positive that if the product had been for, say, prostate cancer instead of breast cancer, the company would have rushed it into production, because it's run by gray-haired men, after all.




"Hello desk. It's nice to see you again."
"Oh, hello forehead! It's been so long since we've met."

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Misc.

Thanks for your concerns, belledame and DBB. Sometimes it's good to know someone's out there in these great big internets.

My grandparents gave us the money to pay for my tuition etc. I got most of the classes I wanted; those that I had to switch out are proving to be a blessing in disguise, as the books were at least a hundred dollars cheaper, even though I was lazy and bought most of them at the campus bookstore.

Plus the fact that one of the interchangeable classes I wanted wasn't open, but the other possibility? Is taught by one of the better professors I think I've had (knock on wood). He has the best voice I think humanly possible for reading William Blake.

Wulfy and I were trying to get a group together today for a daytrip specifically to procure mustard-based barbecue (which is a novelty to me), but the plans fell through so we're just hanging around little Hippieton today.

So, there's a brief update on my general life...the only other thing going on is my passive dislike of a girl who used to be one of my better friends here; I don't actively hate her right now, I just don't want to be around her...ever. Beowulf has written up the breaking point in that relationship, I just don't want to bother.

I hope (how many times have I said this?) to post a post with some real substance soon. I at least do have some stories to tell.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Deja Vu

About a year ago, my family experienced a giant meltdown of both my mother and our finances (my mom being the one who takes care of the finances) which nearly prevented me from returning to school for the fall semester.

Guess what happened again this year?

The big problem is, last year there was some sort of glitch at the school that allowed me to keep my classes; this year, no such luck.

All my classes are gone. I have to compete with other late-registering students in the next few days to get classes I don't really want. I'll probably speak with the professors of my original classes to see if they'll add me in (again).

How the fuck did this happen again? I understand my mother, she's not the most stable person in the world at this point in her life, but after last year I thought my dad was keeping better tabs on the situation.

At least they kept my room for me.

Friday, December 21, 2007

$$$ and cuteness

My GPA is higher than 3.5 this semester, yippee. It fell last semester after Wulfy and I started dating, as did his; my parents were confused because they didn't have that problem when they were dating in college, and I'm having trouble reminding them that we are not them. I'm still a little bit scared about my workload next semester. I'm taking one class that's a survey course of novels. We'll be reading about 15 novels during the semester, and that is of course on top of the other stuff I'll have to read, which will probably be, at least in part, novels as well. Oh gad.

My most expensive book is about $120...and I need twenty-four more books, most of which are between $10 and $20. Oh fer fucks sake.

The campus bookstore reeeally cheats us out of our money. I buy a book used...which is maybe 10 dollars cheaper on an expensive book. then I sell it back and they give me less than half of my money back...and sell it to someone else at the exact same price I bought it. It sucks. But I haven't really found a cheaper source. I guess I need to look harder.

I want to start saving up money for when I'm out on my own but it keeps getting sucked out of my pocket by frivolous little things like, oh, required textbooks and that silly stuff everybody has...oh yeah, food.

I'm sorry, I'm whining, there are a lot of people who would give an eyeball to science to have my privilege. But that doesn't mean it doesn't kinda suck sometimes.

On a more (truly) frivolous note, behold my new picture. It's a damn good facsimile of me, courtesy of this candybar doll maker. I love these things, even though they only come in skinny and pale-white. But I am skinny and pearlescent, so it's all good for me. And for the muffin, who already looks like a cartoon, and therefore doll-izes easily.

I'm also a nerd who makes candybar dolls of Kingdom Hearts characters:

Roxas:

















And Namine:


















They're cute.

And that's enough dorking out for one day.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

dreaming of your Etcetera

I really shouldn't be writing here...I have two long papers due Friday, a performance piece to arrange and memorize (for my Renaissance and Enlightenment Literature class, oddly enough) another paper due midweek next week, two reading journals to write (because I'm a terrible student who hasn't already done this), finals to study for (FINALS stands for Fuck I Never Actually Learned this Shit, according to one group on Facebook), friends to visit, a Beowulf who often needs a good firm nudge to do his homework, and, importantly, a room to move out of. I'm switching to another dorm--admittedly an older and possibly grody dorm, but one in which I will have a room to myself. As I've hated living on campus this semester, this is a good thing; and next semester I have a shot at a single room in the nicest dorm on campus (score!) even though there's no guarantee. And if I get that room, I can keep it for next year and might not have to find an apartment in order to have some dang privacy.

Next semester is going to be hellishly busy (even though I'm only taking thirteen hours of classes) but has potential to be really fun. The Feminist Collective is, of course, putting on the Vagina Monologues, which I'm thinking about auditioning for (I figure hey, I should do it while I'm a fledgling college feminist and I have the chance, right? Even if it's become something of a cliche) and the Theatre department is doing the Tempest, and Vanilla wants me to audition for that--again, when the hell other than now am I going to get the chance to be in a good performance of a play? I could do community theatre later on but I don't know what I'm going to be doing in my life later on. I'm Carpe-ing the Diem, heh. I'm also going to try to work on my photography and creative writing, which have suffered like woah this semester because when I haven't been working on school shit, I've been sleeping and/or desponding too much for anything else. Though this might still be on the back burner depending on the job I get--up till now I've only been working in the summer at home, but I'm getting all anxious about saving up for grad school (IF I manage to make it into a grad school; the sleeping/desponding has been shaving bits off my grades, which have already suffered since the advent of the relationship with the Beowulf. I'm a terrible student. This CHANGES next semester, dammit, and I'm going to learn how to take decent notes {a skill I never learned in highschool because the classes were mostly too damn easy--thanks a lot, No Child Left Behind.}). Wow, that was a doozy of a parenthetical remark.

Anyway, I've got class in an hour and a halfish, and I haven't eaten breakfast, and I need to work on my ten page paper. I'll write the eight-pager tomorrow; that'll be the hard one because I don't give a shit about my topic. For the ten-pager, I'm writing on the effect of war on poetry; both the general paradigm shifts post-war that allow change in convention. Would T. S. Eliot written The [Godawful] Wasteland without WWI? Doubtful. But I may focus on the effect on individual poets who were involved in various wars in US History. I'll be using Whitman's "The Wound-Dresser" and E. E. Cummings's "my sweet old etcetera" for that--two of my favies! Yayz! And I found a collection of interesting Vietnam War poems and some political poetry about Iraq, to round it all off. I wish I had a month to write this thing. Maybe I'll revisit it for my senior thesis?

I had a really great idea for my senior thesis while laying in bed awake at three in the morning, but I didn't write it down so the only thing I remember about it now is that it was Fucking Awesome and would have Changed the Face of Literary Analysis As We Know It. I'm only brilliant late at night when I don't have a notepad on hand *facepalm*

Next semester I'm taking senior comps; I'm getting them out of the way early, that way if I do absolutely terribly (as I likely will) I'll have at least two more semesters to try.

I have a plot for a book rattling about in my head; one that could be a romance novel, in fact, although hopefully a good one...involving hippies. There are a lot of Nouveau Hippies around the area--sometimes it feels like to many, especially when they are of the opinion that deodorant is Unnatural and therefore Evil; and hey, their odour doesn't bother them! Some of these are actually in my ballroom dance class so it occasionally feels like I'm dancing with a Giant Armpit. I'm sure they're wonderful intelligent etcetera people but I don't know because I'm not fond of their apocrine sweat glands.

I will eventually have something to say about something important; my own life has swallowed me whole.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Emily Dickinson

...I wrote a paper on her religious views, as expressed through her poetry. I'm not terribly in the mood to post anything, so here. It's fairly mediocre literary analysis--though not bad considering I pulled it out of my nether regions the day it was due (I'm a terrible student, I know).

[Title]*

Emily Dickinson has been the subject of much discussion, ever since her work began to be published, about not only her work but also her mysterious personal life. We seem intent on discovering what she thought, whom she loved, and why she did what she did—especially, why she spent so much of her life in seclusion. Her religious beliefs also remain alluringly ambiguous; while some poems suggest an adherence to the Calvinist Christianity of her time and place, many others are wildly unorthodox. Having failed to have the dramatic conversion experience expected of her, her poetry at times expresses anger or confusion toward God; at other times she seems to adore her Higher Power and his Creation.

What is not lacking from Dickinson’s poetry is a belief in God in general. What is most intriguing is her view on who God is. Sometimes, her God is benevolent, even a teacher or pastor to her. In Poem 236, she writes, “God preaches, a noted Clergyman—/ and the sermon is never long” (Dickinson, 1204) In this poem, she speaks of keeping the Sabbath at home, outdoors; she revels in the beauty of nature and the lessons her God teaches her through it. Here, God is both a benevolent Creator and a wise and eloquent teacher. In Poem 39, she speaks of crying out to God upon losing loved ones, calling God “Burglar,” Banker,” and “Father” in the same breath. “Father” is one of the most common descriptors of God in Judeo-Christian tradition, a very richly shaded metaphor that implies he is a loving progenitor, protector, provider, teacher, guide, and disciplinarian. A father is both someone to love, and someone to fear. In Dickinson’s case, her Father God is someone to turn to in time of need, a provider and caretaker. God has already sent “Angels” to “reimburse [her] store” twice before; she cries out for him to aid her again, and seems sure that her compassionate Father God will once more supply (1201).

All this is a fairly typical, orthodox, non-threatening view of God. Her use of the word “Banker” is more troubling. While she also uses this word to mean that God will help her in her time of need, “reimbursing” her loss, a banker and a father are distinctly different creatures. While a good father has the interests of his children in mind, and gives freely, a banker has his best interests in mind. A banker would expect Dickinson to pay back her loan someday. And what is it she is begging for, anyway? Mere comfort? Love? Companionship? We can’t be quite sure, but whatever it is, is likely to not be easily repaid, as her Banker God would be aware of—and maybe not care.

Her use of the word “Burglar” is startling, but perhaps not surprising. The Bible itself describes God as “like a thief in the night” (New International Version, 1 Thes 5:2). The author of 1 Thessalonians (namely the apostle Paul) would have known the Old Testament well, and referred to it; in the book of Job, Job speaks of the same event referred to by Paul, namely the “day of the Lord,” Judgment Day, and says “when daylight is gone, the murderer rises up and kills the poor and needy’ in the night he steals forth like a thief ” (Job 24:14). In the same way, Dickinson is saying that God, while at the same time still the Banker and the Father, also the one who took her loved ones from her. She is hurt and angry with her God, and yet has no choice but the rely on him for help. There are probably many Christians who feel this way; God “taking” someone is, after all, a common euphemism for death; but most would not dare talk about it, much less with Dickinson’s intensity.

Dickinson seems even bitterer about death in Poem 1668. In this poem she relates death as a random, natural occurrence, as the Frost “beheads” a “happy Flower.” But she takes no comfort in the naturalness of death—even though the death of the Flower is “accidental,” she yet describes the Frost as a “blonde Assassin.” She resents that life moves on, that “the Sun proceeds unmoved,” and that another day passes with no consideration for death, even of something—or someone—she loved. Most of all, she seems bitter at God for watching the proceedings and not only not stopping death, but being “Approving” of the whole process. Unlike Poem 39, she does not cry out to God. He is not a Father or a Banker, or even a Burglar; he is no longer personal at all (Dickinson 1221).

So, Dickinson’s belief in and relationship to God was undeniably complex. In fact, her poems argue that God himself is complex; her God is not comprehensible, he is mysterious. She says in Poem 365, “I know that He exists.” The poem at the end of this line emphasizes it, standing out against her usual unusual punctuation. This poem she starts with a concrete statement: He exists, period. No more discussion about God’s existence, she’s already figured that out. However, she goes on:

I know that He exists.
Somewhere – In silence –
He has hid his rare life
From our gross eyes.

Yes, God exists, but only “somewhere.” She gives no concrete location—no typical “in heaven” or “all around” or “within me.” He also exists “in silence.” No glorious throngs of angels singing His praise for all eternity; no giant James Earl Jones voice booming commandments from the sky; no still small voice of guidance. Just silence. In some ways, Dickinson’s God at this point would seem to be the “watchmaker God” of Deism. But somehow He remains more of a concrete being than an obscure, distant Creator God. It’s not that he doesn’t care about us, he has merely “hid his rare life,” the glory that “our gross eyes” cannot bear to see (1211).

Dickinson also makes no mention of Jesus in her poetry, only God. For her, God does appear to truly reside “somewhere,” rather than having come to Earth, died, and taken up residence inside the hearts of believers. Perhaps her experience at Mount Holyoke Female Seminary affected her view of Jesus and salvation; being constantly one of the few girls who experienced no religious awakening, no dramatic salvation experience, perhaps it is logical that she would leave behind the idea of a Savior—no great Redeemer had come for her soul. Why should she put any stock in a belief that in no way applied to her?

Her views on death and the afterlife could well have been informed by this belief—or lack of belief—in a Savior. Death is often more of a concrete being than her idea of God; in Poem 355 he is as concrete as Night, Fire, or Frost (1209). More notably, in Poem 479 Death “kindly stopped” for Dickinson in his carriage, and they take a cold and melancholy, but not unpleasant, ride to her grave and eternity (1214). This is another odd feature of her beliefs about the afterlife. In her poems about death, especially those in which she speaks as one of the dead, she is very concretely in her body. In poem 124, she describes the dead as meekly sleeping in their tombs, waiting on the Resurrection. They are not in heaven, traipsing about on clouds, or singing eternal praises to God. They lie in their caskets as if asleep—a sight she would have been accustomed to when attending funerals and preparing bodies for burial (1202). In Poem 448, she describes herself as dead, laying peacefully in her Tomb; her soul, or whatever she would call what her selfness is composed of, is not in Heaven or in Hell, or wandering as a ghost; it is very decidedly decaying along with her body, as is the soul of the gentleman beside her; and they talk quietly until they are decomposed under the soil and forgotten above (1214). Even more frightening visions of death are painted in Poems 340 and 591. In Poem 340, she describes the heavy, rhythmic footsteps of her Mourners. She herself is “wrecked” and “solitary;” and her death itself is described as “a Plank in Reason” breaking, and herself falling and knocking into different Worlds all the way down until she finally “Finished knowing” (1207). In Poem 591 she dies in “Stillness…like the Stillness in the Air – Between the Heaves of Storm,” and describes her death itself as the windows failing, “and then I could not see to see –” (1215)

Her seeming lack of belief in a positive afterlife in these poems, frightening as it is, is in some ways mitigated by her beliefs in Poem 236, where she keeps the Sabbath “staying at Home.” In the last lines, after describing God’s sermon, she states, “instead of getting to Heaven, at last – I’m going, all along.” Her love of Nature and of her benevolent God allows her to see the life she is given on Earth as a kind of heaven, against the Calvinistic belief that humanity and the pleasures of life in this world are utterly depraved and evil (1203-1204).

In fact, she disagrees with religion itself on principle in many of her poems. In fact, that same Poem 236, while being cute, is also rebellious—after all, she’s not going to church on a Sunday. She even describes herself as angelic; opposed to clergy who “keep the Sabbath in Surplice,” she says, “I just wear my Wings.” Her own mind, and the Nature around her—a singing Bobolink and a beautiful Orchard—beautiful but everyday wonders—sustain her in a way church religion never could.

Even more, in Poem 373, she denounces not just religious ceremony, but religion and faith themselves. While she begins with a fairly orthodox “This World is not conclusion,” she does not go on to talk about how God or Heaven or Angels are beyond this World, but a strange “Species.” This mysterious form of being is beautifully described as “Invisible, as Music – But positive, as Sound –” She says that Philosophy doesn’t know this otherworldly Being, Sagacity can only know it through a Riddle, and scholars are puzzled by it. This is all well and good, but furthermore, Faith can’t show it either. This is the direct opposite of average religious thinking, which says that the mind can’t understand God, but Faith can help us understand. Instead, Dickinson says “Faith slips – and laughs” and not only is Faith a bit silly this way, it “Plucks at a twig of Evidence – And asks a Vane, the way –” Faith, at least as understood by the religious, is a false guide—going on but the tiniest amount of real evidence and asking the way from a weathervane, which points one direction one minute but changes with the changeful wind. But that’s not all. Not only is Faith false, says Dickinson, but the “Gesture, from the Pulpit” and the “Strong Hallelujahs” that “roll.” She describes religion as “Narcotics;” and not only are they mere pain-relieving drugs, they “cannot still the Tooth that nibbles at the soul –” In other words, no amount of faith, preaching, or congregational approbation can still the longing in her soul to truly know this mysterious, divine presence (1212).

In essence, we can never be sure exactly what Emily Dickinson believed (and really, it’s difficult enough to know what we ourselves believe), but we can gather clues from her work. Dickinson sees God as a Creator, a Preacher, and a Father; but also, in times of pain, her hurt and anger cause her to see him as a cold, far-off observer who doesn’t care, or as a thief who has taken away her happiness. At the same time, she loves the Nature he created, and is suspicious of church religion, believing her supreme being is greater than anything religion can offer. And though she is saddened, deeply, by death, and afraid of it, she does not always believe it is evil; and she believes that whatever makes her, her, will persist.

While we cannot call Dickinson an orthodox Calvinist Christian as she was expected to be, there is no doubt that she felt a relationship to God and to his Creation that many Christians should envy.


Works Cited

Dickinson, Emily. "Poems." The Norton Anthology of American Literature. Ed. Nina Baym. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2007.

Quest Study Bible. New International Version. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1994.



*yes, I turned it in without a title. The next day, I turned in another paper with the same mistake. *facepalm*

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Blaaaaarg

I am taking three Literature courses, a Humanities course, and Ballroom Dance. I had a paper and a midterm on Wednesday, a longer and more involved paper due today (that I finished at 3:00 in the morning because I had too much other oddly necessary stuff to do at times I otherwise would have worked on it), an even more involved paper due Monday, and just before we had our wimpy two-day Fall Break, I had three other midterms and a paper, plus I'm behind on the reading journals I'm supposed to be keeping in two of my Literature classes and I haven't started on my final paper and performance piece! for Renaissance and Enlightenment Literature. Anyone wonder why I hadn't updated this blog in a while?

I have a new roommate, just for this semester; she's Korean. She's very sweet and easy to get along with, but I don't make friends easily and I miss the Muffin. She also doesn't like having boys in the room so Wulfy usually isn't allowed over unless she's not there. And I don't exactly hate Wulfy's roommate; I just find him obnoxious, petty, and...odourous. Between the stress of classes, dealing with Wulfy's roommate, living in a room that doesn't feel like a home, having zero privacy, being in a different building that isolates me from most of my friends...I'm a wreck. So I haven't been writing.

And now Wulfy has his own blog and I let him start reading this one...and we got into a mild fightish thing over one entry.

So yeah, I'm not having the best time right and the whole blog thing has been put on the back burner for a while.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

101 Words

I have been online as much as ever, I just haven't bothered writing--it takes too much energy and I've been working more than ever, while having occasional migraines. I'd never had migraines before this year, and it's beginning to worry me. I also had a (small) nosebleed while visiting Wulfy last weekend. I think it freaked him out as much as it did me.

Oh, and I got my driver's license on Wednesday. It took me long enough, didn't it?

And because anything else I would like to talk about is too private and/or close to be able to, have a 101 word story I wrote for my last creative writing class. It was good exercise in not wasting words--though one very verbose fellow student could not cut hers down, and so it ended up being 201 words. It was a very good 201 word story...but it was plain that too much odd detail was being included that could have been cut out without hurting the actual story. Anyway...mine is actually cut down and altered from a roleplay character history I wrote for a small, irl-friends-only game that went on for about two straight years.

"Caprice, a runaway, seventeen, sat in a lonely diner, drinking a cup of bitter black coffee to help stay awake as she rode west. The man beside her tried to lure her away from her seat with the promise of a warm bed on this cold night. She shuddered as she realized his true intention.

“Go to hell,” she said.

She laid a few crumpled dollar bills on the counter to pay for her coffee, only half finished, and walked outside. The man followed.

A few miles down the road, she stopped her motorcycle to wipe his blood off her hands."

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Summer (not) In the City

Summer has arrived. I am done with classes--now to work my ass off to make sure I get to go back in the fall. I do tech work and some secretary/receptionist work at a doctor's office--so I either get to deal with ornery patients, or get stuck in a back room with boxes and boxes of files. Lovely.

And I am separated from my Beowulf for most of the summer. And talking on the phone is long-distance, and we're both terribly awkward over the phone. So it's instant messaging and email for more or less an eternity. I am a silly little schoolgirl over this boy--it's only a few months, and I'm getting all highschool-dramatic over it.

I am about to see if my grades are posted for the semester. Wish me luck.

On a happier note, even though I am working, work involves no homework, so I will be able to devote my free time to other, more pleasurable things. Like my photography--I will be around Violet, who is gorgeous in a unique and very sexy self-confident way, and Josey, who is also stunning. I have beautiful friends.

I'm also declaring this the Summer of Literature; I have not read as many of the great classics as I should have, especially since I actually like reading the tough stuff. So on my list for the summer:

A Farewell to Arms
Pride and Prejudice
The Picture of Dorian Gray
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
Moby Dick (this one intimidates me)
Antic Hay
Bend Sinister (I need a copy of Lolita, as well)

I also want to read some Vonnegut (I've only read one short story--the one they put in highschool textbooks, Harrison...something), and a little more Shakespeare, and C.S. Lewis's space trilogy. And a large number of short stories. I also should read Mere Christianity, now that I'm thinking about Lewis; I'm also supposed to lead a Bible study next semester and I want to start preparing ahead of time. And somewhere in there, I'll throw in some spy novels and re-reads to not kill myself. And Angels and Demons, which Beowulf gave me for Xmas. We'll see if this happens--I'm a fast reader, but the TV and the Internet have a very loud call.

Does anyone out there (I know there aren't many of you reading this) have any other suggestions of books that one -must- read?