101 Words

I have been online as much as ever, I just haven't bothered writing--it takes too much energy and I've been working more than ever, while having occasional migraines. I'd never had migraines before this year, and it's beginning to worry me. I also had a (small) nosebleed while visiting Wulfy last weekend. I think it freaked him out as much as it did me.

Oh, and I got my driver's license on Wednesday. It took me long enough, didn't it?

And because anything else I would like to talk about is too private and/or close to be able to, have a 101 word story I wrote for my last creative writing class. It was good exercise in not wasting words--though one very verbose fellow student could not cut hers down, and so it ended up being 201 words. It was a very good 201 word story...but it was plain that too much odd detail was being included that could have been cut out without hurting the actual story. Anyway...mine is actually cut down and altered from a roleplay character history I wrote for a small, irl-friends-only game that went on for about two straight years.

"Caprice, a runaway, seventeen, sat in a lonely diner, drinking a cup of bitter black coffee to help stay awake as she rode west. The man beside her tried to lure her away from her seat with the promise of a warm bed on this cold night. She shuddered as she realized his true intention.

“Go to hell,” she said.

She laid a few crumpled dollar bills on the counter to pay for her coffee, only half finished, and walked outside. The man followed.

A few miles down the road, she stopped her motorcycle to wipe his blood off her hands."

The RIGHT column, imbecile! RIGHT!

My job is annoying me. I like it well enough when I'm there, it's just little things that patients do annoy me way more than they should.

Here's a tip for my ever-so large constituency of loyal readers: when you are at the eye doctor's office and you have to use the accuities machine (the thing with the bar you put your forehead against, like the thing you use to look at roadsigns at the DMV) please listen closely to the person conducting the test, and if she says "read the smallest line you can see in the right-hand column," read the smallest line you can see in the right hand column. Do NOT use the left hand column, do NOT start at the top and read down, and do NOT read from right to left. Oh, and don't come into the office and expect us to give you contacts if you haven't had an eye exam in three years. My office only gives out contacts if you've had an exam within a year--that varies, but we need to know we won't blind you by giving you something your eyes can't handle. And yes, this applies if you're wearing color contacts, even if you don't have any Rx in them. They're still a medical device that comes into direct contact with your eyes (they're called contact lenses for a reason) and your eyes have to be healthy in order to wear them. There's a lot more that can be wrong with your eyes than needing glasses.

Oh, and that one condition? It's "astigmatism," not "a stigmatism." And it's not "a stigma", or "stigmata". Yes, people call it that, and while it's funny, it makes me want to smack you in the forehead like those V8 commercials.

In other news, my brother is an ass. My parents and I are visiting him over the weekend, and his intellectual condescension is getting really obnoxious. He makes me feel incredibly stupid. I keep trying to nurse my self-worth by telling myself that, after all, my IQ is supposedly higher than his. But it doesn't stop there--he manages to find something he doesn't like about the books I read, the music I like, the clothes I wear, the way I laugh, my glasses, my skin, my hair, my build...it never ends.

However, my dad bribed me out of acting terribly annoyed at everything at large this morning (I had a pre-noon relapse into moody teenager mode--after all, being around mon frere makes me feel like the least popular kid in high school again) by saying we'd go by Beowulf's town on the way back home. So I suppose it's worth it.

I've also been having migraines in the past few months, which I've never done before. Today's ended up just being a medium-strength headache that two Advil knocked out, but it was accompanied by a light sensitivity, and yesterday's was light-sensitive and nauseated, but I headed it off by going to bed early. Sleep remains the best thing for a migrain, apparently, other than supposedly snorting hot pepper. The idea behind the pepper is that it short-circuits the brain's pain receptors by being incredibly ouchie. I suppose it's similar to biting your tongue when you stub your toe.

I'm not in my normal time zone, so I'm getting really sleepy. Maybe my next post will have more of a point.

Oh, btw, thanks DBB, I'd actually been thinking about reading some Ayn Rand sometime soon. Honestly, I haven't even gotten around to reading anything on that list; my mom derailed me by finding a few books by Madeleine L'Engle that I hadn't read.

Wuv, Twue Wuv

I have not written lately because it is summer and I am lazy.

Plus we just ditched our old dialup in favor of cable with a wireless setup, so I've been catching up on my YouTube and undergroundfilm.org.

Renegade Evolution (whom I enjoy and hope to never piss off) recently had a "Blog for Sex Education" day, which I missed. But my one-sentence answer for why I would like to see better sex ed in the US, specifically my south-of-the-Mason-Dixon-Line area, is:

I never again want to say to a boy (or man!) over the age of twelve, "No, girls do not pee through their vaginas."

I had to explain that to Beowulf once.

Speaking of, he has already visited twice, with a two-week space between each visit. Having him here is always lovely, which is saying something because I hate having people invade my house. This includes relatives, and friends, unless I'm very very close to them. Wulfy actually just left; his actual reason to visit this weekend was a friend's wedding that my non-driving self needed a ride to. It was a pretty wedding. The bride and groom are the same ages as Beowulf and I. It's strange to have one's friends get married.

It's getting late and I have to get up early tomorrow for work.

Summer (not) In the City

Summer has arrived. I am done with classes--now to work my ass off to make sure I get to go back in the fall. I do tech work and some secretary/receptionist work at a doctor's office--so I either get to deal with ornery patients, or get stuck in a back room with boxes and boxes of files. Lovely.

And I am separated from my Beowulf for most of the summer. And talking on the phone is long-distance, and we're both terribly awkward over the phone. So it's instant messaging and email for more or less an eternity. I am a silly little schoolgirl over this boy--it's only a few months, and I'm getting all highschool-dramatic over it.

I am about to see if my grades are posted for the semester. Wish me luck.

On a happier note, even though I am working, work involves no homework, so I will be able to devote my free time to other, more pleasurable things. Like my photography--I will be around Violet, who is gorgeous in a unique and very sexy self-confident way, and Josey, who is also stunning. I have beautiful friends.

I'm also declaring this the Summer of Literature; I have not read as many of the great classics as I should have, especially since I actually like reading the tough stuff. So on my list for the summer:

A Farewell to Arms
Pride and Prejudice
The Picture of Dorian Gray
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall
Moby Dick (this one intimidates me)
Antic Hay
Bend Sinister (I need a copy of Lolita, as well)

I also want to read some Vonnegut (I've only read one short story--the one they put in highschool textbooks, Harrison...something), and a little more Shakespeare, and C.S. Lewis's space trilogy. And a large number of short stories. I also should read Mere Christianity, now that I'm thinking about Lewis; I'm also supposed to lead a Bible study next semester and I want to start preparing ahead of time. And somewhere in there, I'll throw in some spy novels and re-reads to not kill myself. And Angels and Demons, which Beowulf gave me for Xmas. We'll see if this happens--I'm a fast reader, but the TV and the Internet have a very loud call.

Does anyone out there (I know there aren't many of you reading this) have any other suggestions of books that one -must- read?

Stressssssssss

Finals season is upon us. I have two large papers to write in the next week or two, one interesting, the other really, really not. The interesting one is on the connections between Calvin's ideas of predestination and election and Shakespeare's tragedies, probably with a focus on Othello. I'll post that one here in chunks, probably.

My friend Violet came to visit a few weeks ago--a wonderful excuse to explore downtown. This city is amazing, I tell you. She was going to come up again with her girlfriend Vic, but that plan seems to have fallen through.

Note on Violet: her madre needs to grow a clue. She and Vic are not together because Vic hypnotized her with evil lesbian mind tricks or whatever the mom thinks; they are together because they genuinely care for and love each other. Their relationship is a hell of a lot healthier than various hetero relationships Violet has been in. A lot of my churchy friends need to realize this as well. Not all non-straight relationships are based solely on The Evil Gay Sex, just as not all hetero relationships are founded on teh solid rock of Twue Wuv.

Oh, and my parental unit recently chewed me out--if only mildly--because Violet's mom didn't know she was visiting until she was already here. And I couldn't tell them why I was okay with that--namely Violet's mom flipping out on her, believing everything she does is wrong and evil because of Vic--because all hell would break out in our ever-more-conservative church if anyone found out about Vic.

:end rant:

So on Violet's heels came Josey the Sex Kitten, who has been my designated BFF for a number of years, and her cute Leprechaun of a boyfriend. They only stayed a night, and nothing terribly exciting happened.

Beowulf and I are doing quite peachy-keen, one week away from our three-month anniversary, and about two weeks from being separated for the summer. I'm guessing that we'll see each other for a total of two weeks until August, so it looks like I'll get a test in Long-Distance Relationships 101. Thank God for AIM.

This has been a really me-centric post. So, links to the webcomics I use to procrastinate:

http://www.somethingpositive.net/

http://www.sinfest.net/

http://robandelliot.cycomics.com/

Courtly Love

I said I'd post this here. It's about a five page paper. Not the best I've written, by far, but it made a good grade.


Courtly love, or fin amor, “fine love,” a literary tradition began in the Middle Ages, has had a lasting impact on Western thought.

The poetry of courtly love sprang up in the songs of the troubadours, often characterized as poor wandering minstrels, though in reality troubadours were often celebrated members of court. They entertained their fellow court members, in large part ladies and unmarried men, with songs of gallant knights elegantly seducing the beautiful ladies who drew their desire. Though the concept of courtly love originated in song, eventually young aristocrats imitated the stories in the troubadours’ ballads, and an elaborate set of rules sprang up to govern their affairs. Though the most “official” set was written down by Andreas Capellanus for Marie of Champagne, and consists of 31 rules, subsequent scholars have boiled down the concept of courtly love into more general elements (Halsall).

According to C.S. Lewis in The Allegory of Love, the three main elements of courtly love were humility, courtesy, and adultery (Delahoyde). The affairs of courtly love were usually extra-marital, with the lady in question a married woman being pursued by a younger, unmarried knight. Hence, the relationship between the two could be considered adulterous, especially if fully consummated, though there is disagreement about the level of physicality in the affairs of courtly love. Humility is exemplified in such relationships by the abject posturing of the knight and his raising the lady onto a pedestal, honoring her every wish as more important than his own desires. Lewis’s notion of courtesy stems from the idea that the feudalism of the times was reflected in the hierarchy of courtly love; the lady was in effect the liege lord, accepting the devotion of her vassal, the knight, but required to give reward in return.

The songs of courtly love had a very significant impact on the literature of Europe during the Middle Ages, an impact which can still be felt today. They established the tropes of love in Western literature; the anguish of the lover over the coldness of the beloved, the wan sickness of one wasting away with unrequited affection. These “ailments” had been recording much earlier by Ovid, but the troubadour tradition cemented them in Western thinking. Previously, the ballads of the Middle Ages were solely concerned with the daring exploits of male warriors like Beowulf; with the invention of courtly love, the gallant deeds of derring-do were not abandoned (the lady sets difficult tasks for the knight, in order to prove his love), but the points of view of the women in the stories were included, and room was made for romantic love. Though love poetry had existed for a long time in Arabic and Hebrew (as in the Song of Solomon), this was the first instance of it in Western literature. In fact, some scholars believe that romantic love itself was invented by the troubadours. C.S. Lewis was of the notion that romantic love was a literary invention, a lie, so to speak; however, it is of interest to note that his work relating to such matters was written well before he met the woman with whom he fell in love.

In Medieval times, women were given two role models, Mary and Eve. In the tradition of courtly love, women played both parts; beautiful, saintly Mary, passionately loved but inviolately chaste; and seductive Eve, giving in to temptation and desire. While previously, as evidenced in epics such as Beowulf, women were thought of as servants or as a way to cement political alliances through marriage, courtly love supposedly elevated the lady to a point where she commanded the lives and wills of the men pursuing her (Delahoyde). The knight obeys the every whim of the lady he loves. However, the eventual submission of the beloved to the lover is always included in such stories; while women are given a place in art and a modicum of power over their love lives, their freedom is still tightly circumscribed within the rules of courtly love. In fact, the lasting impact of the ideals of courtly love on literature has encouraged a continuation of the Medieval view of womanhood; the strong, handsome lover, the yielding beloved ultimately helpless to the lover’s desires. In the end, the lady is always subjected to the wills of men; her lover demanding payment for his adoration, her husband taking his property from the lover.

Whether or not romantic love was invented per se by Medieval poets, the work of such poets profoundly affected the meanings of the word “love.” While originally, the two types of love were sharply delineated—caritas, or charity, being Godly love, and amor, a term mainly designating carnal desire—the “religion of love” inspired by the practice of courtly love blurred the distinction. Amor became the more common word; the inscription on Dante’s medallion reads “amor vincit omnia,” love conquers all, but uses the term for romantic love instead of religious charity. The linguistic replacement of amor for caritas reflects the shift in importance between religiosity and secularism. Redemption and sublimation were formerly sought through the church; now, the acts and feelings of being in love were expected to raise men to a higher plane of being. The move from a religious society to a secular one in Europe was not solely due to the traditions of courtly love, but the ideology of courtly love (which one commenter calls “a suave new kind of paganism”) began to offer alternatives to the strict regulation of the Catholic Church; a very attractive alternative that made room for sexual pleasure (Simpson).

These ideas about the nature and function of love have had very interesting affects on life in the modern West. Christian preachers across America decry the state of the modern family, in particular the high rate of failed marriages. Such preachers often attribute the weakening of the traditional marriage structure to the immorality of our society (notable, homosexuality and pornography), but it can also be explained by a belief in a modified form of courtly love. Young lovers today still experience the symptoms of passion as described by Andreas Capellanus—the feverish desire, the loss of appetite, the preoccupation with the beauty of their beloved—Sex in the City’s “cant-live-without-you love”. However, the conventions of courtly love have an expiration date; love can be lost through discovery of the affair, or by bad conduct of the lovers, or even by spending too much time together. The modern Disneyfied version of romantic love, on the other hand, believes that this state of passion can last forever, and is a suitable basis for marriage. When the fervor of the newlyweds begins to die, however, they have none of the duty and companionship of medieval marriage to fall back on. As one story of Eleanor of Aquitaine’s Court of Love explains, once a lady marries her lover, he is no longer her lover but her husband, and the system of courtly love breaks down.

The concept of the lady herself is also consequence of courtly love, and possibly one of the more odious ones. Though the precepts of courtly love supposedly raised women to a better place in society, it kept women down for longer than it elevated them. In the (probably fictitious) Court of Love held by Eleanor of Aquitaine, Eleanor supposedly sat by the side of her husband, ruling over questions of love as the king made decisions about matters of law. While Eleanor herself was doubtless a very powerful woman, this Court of Love cemented the idea that matters of law and logic were masculine domains, while romance was for women. Echoes of this idea are heard in the voice of everyone today who tells a smart, career-driven woman that she should be finding a husband. The ideal lady in the tales of courtly love—a lady like Queen Guinevere, for instance—while originally cold toward her suitor, invariably turns into a damsel in distress, waiting to be rescued by her gallant knight. This image, so familiar as to seem innocuous, has cemented itself into the Western psyche, and with it the implication that, no matter how strong she seems, a woman still needs a man to protect and complete her, an idea that chafes any strong woman seeking to make her own way in the world. Both the image and the idea behind it are attacked in works considered feminist. For instance, Ani Difranco’s “Not a Pretty Girl” proudly proclaims “I am no damsel in distress, and I don’t need to be rescued.”

In short, the stories of courtly love and the lessons they taught had major impacts on society, both in the times of their conception and today. Though the modern world attempts to distance itself from Medieval ways of thinking, decrying them as primitive, even barbaric, the ideals of the age—including courtly love—are inextricably woven into the fabric of Western society.


Works Cited

Delahoyde, Michael. "Courtly Love." Michael Delahoyde Homeplanet. Washington State University. 08 Mar 2007 http://www.wsu.edu/~delahoyd/medieval/love.html

Halsall, Paul. "Andreas Capellanus: The Art of Courtly Love." Internet Medieval Sourcebook. Oct 1997. Fordham University. 7 Mar 2007 http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/capellanus.html

Simpson, David L. "Chivalry and Courtly Love." DePaul University. 1998. DePaul University. 8 Mar 2007 http://condor.depaul.edu/~dsimpson/tlove/courtlylove.html

Angst

All last night I dreamed about weddings. White dresses galore (and other colors--my dreams can be noncomformational), and vows of eternal devotion. Some of the many of me getting married were happy; some weren't.

According to an (admittedly small) amount of research I've done online, dreaming about a wedding can symbolize a number of different things, among them:

a) The desire to get married.
b) a transitional period in my life, specifically in my relationships.
c) a need to integrate different parts of my life.

The shiny newness of my relationship with Beowulf is beginning to wear off, sadly enough--we've been "official" for nearly two months--and problems begin to set in. Puritanical guilt over our physical involvement, his anxiety disorder and accompanying paranoia that something is wrong, and my own wanderlust conspire against us.

He and the better part of my friends here are on a hiking trip today, one I skipped out on in order to stay in bed, dreaming of weddings and worrying. Is the idea that some day we may love each other enough to hold us together?